becoming sandy
Sharing what I am learning, unlearning and relearning as I navigate my way through a midlife unraveling and awakening, becoming the woman I was meant to be all along.
"Put simply, authenticity means you're true to your own personality, values, and spirit, regardless of the pressure that you're under to act otherwise. You're honest with yourself and with others, and you take responsibility for your mistakes." -Author Unknown Authenticity seems like the buzz word of the last decade, and I have used it often when asked what I'm looking for. I have longed for and continue to strive for authentic relationships, an authentic faith, and ultimately, an authentic self. In order to achieve these, I need to answer a few questions for myself. What does it mean to be authentic? What is holding me back? Where will I start? According to Brené Brown, "Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are.” To me, this has been a daunting task. I have spent so many years molding myself into who I thought I was supposed to be that I didn’t realize I was moving further away from the woman that I was created to be. As a “Nine” on the Enneagram, I have a subconscious tendency to morph into what I think others want or need me to be. I have done this for so long that I struggle to know what I want, what I need and who I am. Many critics of the enneagram will say that it pigeonholes a person into list of behaviors. In response, Ian Morgan Cron says, “The Enneagram doesn't put you in a box. It shows you the box you’re already in and how to get out of it.” The enneagram really concentrates more on the motivation behind those behaviors. It has helped me to better identify my own strengths and weaknesses. It makes me more aware of behaviors that are not serving me and allows me to understand why I react the way that I do. With this understanding, I am able to flip the script and identify triggers before I react. I can pause, take a deep breath and realize what I actually feel, think or want instead of repeating the cycle of putting everyone else's feelings, thoughts and desires above my own. As I learn to trust myself, I take the steps necessary towards living a more authentic life.
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In our family, everyone has their favorite food. Rafa prefers authentic Mexican fare, Gabe and Rachel love steak (Rafa, too), and Sarah and Jake prefer pastas. For the longest time, we only ate pasta with marinara sauce when Rafa was out of town or otherwise busy, because he is not a fan. More recently, the kids discovered the Pasta Marinara from Pizza Hut and started asking for that anytime that we ordered Pizza. One day, I decided to try to replicate the recipe, since it is kind of pricey and appeared simple enough to make. After a couple of attempts, I developed a dish that is very similar. It isn't the exact same, because I use Italian sausage instead of ground beef, but you could definitely try it with ground beef, if you prefer. Everyone in the family likes this recipe, interestingly enough, even Rafa. This dish is especially great when I work late, and want to get a meal on the table relatively quickly with minimal work. Pasta Marinara BakeIngredients:
Sauté the Italian sausage over med high heat until cooked through. Add minced garlic and cook for about 3 minutes. Pour 2 jars of Marinara sauce over the cooked Italian sausage and stir. (We have used a variety of sauces, and they have all been delicious. The Classico brand is good, but does have added sugar. Aldi sells a Marinara sauce that doesn't have added sugar that we like as well.) Fill jars 1/3 of the way with water to get all of the marinara sauce out, and add to the marinara/sausage mixture. Turn heat to low and simmer while you prepare the pasta. Bring water and salt to boiling in large pot. Add rotini pasta to salted boiling water and stir. Cook according to package instructions to desired tenderness. Drain the pasta and add to marinara/sausage mixture, stirring to coat noodles with sauce.
Preheat oven to 400* F. Spray 10 X 15 baking dish with cooking spray (I prefer avocado spray). Pour half of pasta mixture into the baking dish. Sprinkle half of the shredded cheese evenly over the top of the mixture. Pour the rest of the pasta mixture evenly over the top of the cheese. Sprinkle the remaining cheese evenly over the top of the pasta mixture. Bake Pasta Marinara for 20 minutes, then broil on high for 5-10 minutes, or until the cheese on top is lightly toasted. I often serve this with a nice salad and toasted Italian bread. Let me know if you try it! I'd love to hear about your favorite sides as well! For as long as I can remember, I have loved to read. My very favorite book when I was little was The Monster at the End of this Book, starring furry, lovable Grover. As I grew, I transitioned to the Little House on the Prairie series and later moved on to YA fiction. During high school and college, I lost my affinity for reading. There was just something about required reading that dampened my biblio-spirit. When my children were younger, I actually wanted to read again and even managed to get through a few books here and there, typically reading in bed after a long day of work, caring for littles and keeping our home. During those years, historical fiction became my preferred genre. As you can imagine, reading a page or two at a time, doesn't get you through many books in a year or even a decade. As my kids have gotten older, I have started to prioritize my reading, and over the past few years, I have managed to read at least 30 books each year, mostly as audio books borrowed from the local library, listened to on my way to and from work. The past 2 years, I have set a goal for the number of books that I wanted to read, and I came no where near the lofty goal of 65 books in 2020, but almost made it to my more reasonable goal of 35 books last year. This year, I decided to lower my reading goal to 30 books, in an attempt to actually accomplish it. I plan to read 3 books each month. Of those 3 books, I intend for at least 1 to be non-fiction. If you've already done the math, that should allow me to surpass my goal of 30 books read this year. Below are a few of the books that are on my TBR (to be read) list. As you can see, I have learned to delight in books from a variety of genres from suspense to historical fiction to memoirs. Fiction :
Non-Fiction :
The fiction book that I am most looking forward to is Under the Whispering Door by TJ Klune, and the non fiction book that I can not wait to read is Freeing Jesus by Diana Butler Bass.
What books are you most looking forward to reading this year? If we are interested in any of the same books, let me know! We could make a plan to read them together! A buddy read or book club sounds fun to me! As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases: If you are interested in purchasing any of the above books, click on the picture of the book of interest and follow my affiliate link. Buying through this link doesn't cost you anything extra, but it does help me earn a small percentage of the purchase. Hooray! We made it to the weekend! There are a couple of dishes that scream "WEEKEND" to me. One of them is Barbacoa, and the other is MENUDO! I'm excited to share this recipe with you! When I was 25 years old, I met and fell in love with Rafael Diaz Aguirre. On one of our very first dates, Rafa invited me to try Menudo for the first time. If you aren't familiar with Menudo, it is a traditional Mexican caldo (soup) made with beef tripe, also known as cow stomach, chiles, pozole (white hominy), onions, Mexican oregano and garlic. I knew about the tripe and, up until that point, had never been brave enough to try it. At that moment, though, I didn't want to insult anyone, and remembered my love for chicken gizzards, so I figured that there couldn't be too much of a difference between the two and decided to give it a try. I don't remember if I even liked Menudo when I first tried it, but I love it now. More Saturday mornings than I can count, Rafa grabbed our stock pot and lid and headed over to "Leslie's Taqueria" in downtown KCK to buy Menudo by the pot. Many restaurants in Kansas City sell Menudo to go, and you simply tell them how many dollars worth to add to your pot. Since our first date, I have learned to cook many traditional Mexican meals, including Chile Colorado, Caldo de Res and Barbacoa, but Menudo has always intimidated me. The transition from tasting Menudo for the first time to preparing it on my own took me over 20 years. A couple of months ago, I decided that I was ready to push through my fears and try. Since nearly every region in Mexico prepares Menudo or a similar tripe soup in their own unique way, I googled "menudo estilo chihuahua," so that I could create a recipe that was similar to the one ones Rafa enjoyed growing up in his home state of Chihuahua, Mexico. After reading through several recipes, gathering tips and tricks from the real experts (abuelitas), watching a handful of videos (in Spanish), and adjusting the quantities of each of the ingredients over my past few attempts at making it, I have settled on a recipe that I am proud of, confident in and excited to share. Sadly, "Leslie's Taqueria", closed it's doors to the public for the last time just before Christmas. Leslie's was our favorite Friday morning date spot, and while I will miss their "Huevos Rancheros" with handmade flour tortillas, we don't have to worry about missing out on a delicious weekend Menudo. Let me know if you try this recipe that my husband declared, "even better than Leslie's!" MenudoIngredients:
For Serving:
If you live near a Mexican market or butcher, you can buy the tripe already cut and often already cleaned. I buy mine frozen at El Mercado Fresco in Argentine, 2102 Metropolitan Ave, Kansas City, KS. There are similar stores all over the KC Metro area. I buy the "menudo regular", because it goes on sale frequently, and is often 33-66% cheaper than "menudo limpio." Cleaning the pre-cut tripe is much easier than you might think! In a large stock pot, add the frozen menudo chunks. Add 1 Tbsp salt and cover with water. Bring to a boil over med-high heat and cook for about an hour. While cook-cleaning the menudo, make the red sauce (see recipe below). Strain the menudo with a colander and clean the pot. Allow the menudo cool until you are able to handle it by hand. Trim any fat from the menudo and cut pieces into 1" chunks, more or less. (Don't worry too much about uniformity. I just like to make sure they are cut into bite sized pieces.) Return menudo to clean stock pot. Fill with clean water, covering the menudo. Add 3 garlic heads (whole), 2 whole onions, bay leaf and 1 Tbsp salt and cook 2-3 hours over medium heat slightly covered with the lid. Add Mexican oregano, cilantro, hominy to the pot and lower the heat to a low simmer. Stir in the prepared red sauce until it reaches your desired spiciness. (I use the whole batch and it is has the perfect level of spice for us. You may want to start checking the spice level after stirring in 1/2 a batch, gradually adding more to taste. If you are feeding a crowd with varied spice tolerance, consider using 1/2 of the red sauce and serving the Menudo with red pepper flakes at the table.) Cook at a simmer for 6-8 hours or overnight. Tripe needs to cook long and slow until it is tender. Remove the bay leaf, garlic heads and whole onions. Depending upon how much water evaporated, you may need to add more water. Just know that it needs to be a soupy consistency. That broth is heaven! When ready to serve, ladle the Menudo into large bowls (I found these at El Mercado Fresco), making sure to get a good mix of menudo chunks, pozole and broth. Add chopped sweet onion, crushed Mexican oregano, chopped cilantro and lime juice. Serve with freshly baked bolillo rolls from your local panadería. We buy ours from Reyna's Mexican Bakery located at 727 Kansas Ave in Kansas City, KS. **Warning: Menudo can be a bit malodorous, while it is cook-cleaning. Once it has been cleaned and you've started to make the actual soup, the smell dissipates and is replaced by the aromatics of the onion, garlic and oregano.** ¡Provecho! Red Sauce
Bring 4 C water to a boil in large sauce pan. Remove and discard the stems from the dried chiles. Once at a boil, remove the pan from heat and place all of the dried, destemmed chiles into the hot water. Allow to soften until the water has cooled, making sure to push the chiles under water so that they soften. Once cooled, put chiles, garlic, salt and 1/2 of the water into a blender and blend on high, adding all of the watery. Blend until smooth. The sauce should have a slightly thinner consistency than tomato sauce. Over a large bowl, pour the sauce through a strainer. Use a soup ladle to push the sauce through the strainer. Discard the seeds and chile skins that are left behind inside of the strainer. Salt to taste. The salsa will be spicier and more bitter straight from the blender. Once it is mixed into the recipe of choice, the flavors meld and the bitterness dissipates. Feel free to experiment with the quantities and varieties of chiles. I have discovered that this is the perfect ratio for our family, and I can double or triple the batch and save in the fridge or freezer to use in many other dishes, such as our Chicken and Cheese Enchiladas and our Chile Colorado. "I believe you when you lie to me You should know that by now You weave your words inside of me And I wear them inside out" Lyrics from Little Queen by Jake Wesley Rogers We all believe the lies that we hear along the way, don't we? We may learn them from our most trusted loved ones, perhaps a parent or a spouse, while others we may pick up during interactions at school or work. Sometimes, they are our own misinterpretations of well intended correction, and others bombard us as we scroll through social media or binge the newest shows. The awful truth about these lies is that the deceptions can be so insidious that we don't even realize as they are changing our inner most thoughts and beliefs. We don't notice as they tightly weave into our minds and beings until we shrink into a caricature of our intended selves and evolve into someone that we were never meant to be. As I begin to investigate and pick apart the following lies that I have believed over my lifetime, I discover the capacity and desire to identify strongholds and unlearn them. This unlearning creates space and opportunity to relearn the truth. It allows me to begin to see myself as God sees me and to imagine the woman that He always intended for me to become. When you told me that I talk too much, I believed you. I learned that my opinion does not matter, and that I need to agree with everyone around me in order to keep the peace. I learned that my voice, my thoughts, and my unique opinions are not valid nor to be shared. I learned that I am expected to remain seen, but not heard, stay quiet unless spoken to, and to confirm the thoughts and beliefs of those around me. I learned that I need to think less, talk less, be less. BUT... I am learning to find and use my own unique voice. When you told me that I was lazy, I believed you, and from that moment I was determined to be busy. Even now, when a car door closes, I find myself jumping up in fear of being caught resting when there are things that could be done. Like any other mom, my day begins the moment I get up in the morning, and the work doesn't end until my head hits the pillow at night. Even then, my mind operates at full throttle managing all of the intellectual labor of the days, weeks and months of the year, but I learned that worth is determined by financial gain, task completion. and goal achievement. BUT... I am learning that my worth is inherent. When you told me that I was fat, I believed you. That belief settled into my being and became a truth that I couldn't shake, regardless of my weight or size. I learned that exercise must be done as penance for enjoying food and is necessary to maintain an acceptable body. I learned to polarize food into "good" and "bad". I learned that there is some fantastical mathematical equation that directly relates input, output, weight, size and value. I learned that I need to take up less physical space, because my body's size is inversely proportional to my value. BUT... I am learning that my body is good, regardless of it's size. Along the way, I learned many other notions as well. I learned that conflict is destructive and is to be avoided at all costs. I learned that rocking the boat results in disconnection, so it's best to keep the peace and "go with the flow". I learned that by erasing my opinions and needs, I could create harmony and that others' wishes were more important than my own. I learned that I am not important, and that my contributions don't matter. In order to earn love, acceptance and understanding, I must love others, accept others, and understand others regardless of and in spite of their love, acceptance and understanding for me. BUT... I am learning to see through the lies. I am learning that conflict is healthy and expected and necessary. I am learning that silencing my own opinions, thoughts and needs minimizes my ability to show up as my true, authentic self. This affects my relationships and limits my unique contributions to the community around me. By avoiding conflict, I have limited my own growth and isolated myself within my own seemingly "safe" bubble.
I am learning that I need to speak up during difficult conversations, instead of shy away. I need to speak out about the things that impact me and my family, regardless of whether or not my opinion is shared. Additionally, I have a responsibility to establish and enforce boundaries when engaging in conversations, especially with those whom I care about. I suppose this is what Brené Brown means when she speaks of a "midlife unraveling." I have a long way to go as I learn, unlearn and relearn so much about myself and the world around me, but my confidence is beginning to grow as I cultivate new truths and beliefs in the garden of my mind. Above all, I am learning that God never intended for us to shrink. He created us to bloom! Perhaps you are left wondering about our holiday. Did they make the neighbor treats? Did they do ALL of those things deemed necessary for a Great Holiday? Did they ever get the tree up and decorated? What about the lights? Was it a great holiday, in spite of everything? In a nutshell... NO and YES. Sarah made it home for the holiday, and we are so excited to have her here for a little over a month. Jingle (our elf) made an appearance, but he seemed quite sluggish this year, and either had a foggy memory upon returning home from the North Pole, or wasn't feeling well enough to always make the trip, since we often woke up to find him in the same spot as the night before. It's OK Jingle, we were feeling a little sluggish and foggy this year, as well. In the weeks before Christmas, we lounged around and watched Home Alone while munching on pizza, which is a new tradition that the littles (not so little anymore) and I started last year. We didn't forget to include "a large cheese pizza just for me" (though we shared). We watched Elf at home and made time to introduce Sarah to Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza. A highlight for the family was when we went to see Spider Man, No Way Home in the theatre. We hadn't been to a movie in public for over 2 years!! If you haven't seen it, it was my favorite of all of the entire Spider Man movies. Check it out and let me know what you think! Our holiday was filled with many of the things that we enjoy. We were able to bake and decorate sugar cookies. This year we tried our hands at royal icing, which resulted in some really neat effects, but definitely less tasty cookies than usual. Gabe has already requested to go back to buttercream frosting next Christmas. We opened our traditional first gift on Christmas Eve and then everyone put on their new matching Christmas jammies. Rafa, Gabe and Jake all matched with some really soft and comfy fleecy candy cane pajamas, while the girls and I received some less soft and less comfy Christmas cookie pjs. I have made a note of which brand we all preferred (#followme bought from Amazon) so that I can remember for next year. We stayed up late on Christmas Eve and made time to prepare our traditional Bubble Cake so that it could rise in the oven overnight for Christmas morning. In the morning, we discovered that Santa had arrived and brought some stress relief toys and mental health books for all of the kids. I baked the bubble cake, brewed some coffee and settled in for a quiet day at home watching football, eating shrimp faux ceviche tostadas (a couple of us snarfed on some gourmet hot dogs from Quik Trip), opening presents, and cuddling with kitties and doggos. Rafa, Sarah, Rachel and I finished off Christmas Day huddled on the couch watching It's a Wonderful Life while Gabe and Jake went to bed early. We did NOT make neighbor treats or make it to Christmas Eve service. We didn't go as a family to look at Christmas lights, though we did enjoy seeing the ones that are in the neighborhood anytime we drove by. We didn't put Christmas lights up on the house or even inflate the polar bear and penguin in front of the house until Christmas Day, but we still celebrated Christmas together as a family. I did not complete an advent study or even buy the chocolate advent calendars this year (they were missed). At the end of the day, though, I am confident in my faith in Jesus. I know that He loves each of us and that He is not invalidated by a Christmas season that seems to lack intention and purpose. Jesus is so much BIGGER than that.
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About the AuthorSandy is a parent educator, enneagram aficionado, conscious parenting advocate, self trained and proclaimed home chef, and mother of 4 amazing kids. Archives
May 2022
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